In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a life-changing medical process that brings hope to individuals and couples experiencing infertility. While it can lead to the profound joy of parenthood, the journey itself is often filled with uncertainty, physical discomfort, emotional stress, and financial strain. For those undergoing IVF, the support of friends and family can make an enormous difference. However, not all well-meaning comments are helpful—some can unintentionally cause pain, pressure, or guilt.
This article examines the phrases to avoid when speaking to someone undergoing IVF, explains why they may be detrimental, and guides what to say instead. By learning how to support loved ones during their fertility journey, we can replace insensitive remarks with compassion, encouragement, and understanding.
“Just relax.”
Why This Hurts
Telling someone to “just relax” when they’re undergoing IVF implies that infertility is caused by stress or that emotional calmness alone will solve the problem. This oversimplifies a medical condition. Infertility often involves blocked fallopian tubes, low sperm count, endometriosis, polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), or age-related egg decline—conditions that cannot be cured with relaxation techniques.
How It Adds Pressure
This phrase shifts responsibility onto the patient, suggesting that if IVF fails, it’s because they didn’t relax enough. Instead of being comforting, it can feel dismissive, invalidating the physical, financial, and emotional challenges of fertility treatment.
What to Say Instead
Offer support without advice:
- “I know this must be overwhelming. How can I support you today?”
- “I’m here for you, no matter what happens.”
This shifts the focus from telling them what to do to simply being present.
“You’re having fertility problems because…”
Why This Hurts
Assigning blame—whether it’s about lifestyle, diet, or past choices—can be deeply damaging. Infertility is rarely the result of a single cause, and blaming the patient fuels guilt and shame. Comments such as “It’s because you waited too long” or “It must be your diet” oversimplify complex biological issues.
Medical Reality
According to the World Health Organization, infertility affects about 1 in 6 people globally and can result from a wide range of medical factors affecting men, women, or both. Lifestyle does play a role, but blaming individuals ignores medical science and fails to account for uncontrollable factors like genetics, anatomy, or age.
What to Say Instead
Replace blame with empathy:
- “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you.”
- “I admire your strength in going through this.”
“Why don’t you adopt?”
Why This Hurts
Adoption is a beautiful way to build a family, but suggesting it during IVF minimizes the patient’s current struggle and desire to experience pregnancy and childbirth. It can feel dismissive, as if their longing for a biological child is invalid or less worthy.
Adoption Is Not a “Solution” to Infertility
Adoption is not a quick alternative to IVF. It requires its own rigorous process, with legal, emotional, and financial challenges. Moreover, suggesting adoption ignores the fact that many couples see IVF as their best chance to experience the full journey of parenthood, including pregnancy.
What to Say Instead
Respect the choices they’ve made:
- “I respect whatever path you choose to grow your family.”
- “I’ll support you whether it’s IVF, adoption, or any other journey.”
“You’re still young!”
Why This Hurts
Age is a significant factor in fertility. While it may sound optimistic, telling someone “you’re still young” can feel invalidating. It implies that their struggles don’t matter because time is on their side. For someone in their 20s or early 30s dealing with unexplained infertility, endometriosis, or male factor infertility, this comment dismisses the reality of their condition.
Biological Clock Realities
Fertility declines with age, especially after 35. However, infertility can occur at any age. Even younger individuals can face conditions requiring IVF. Suggesting that youth guarantees success can create false hope and minimize their pain.
What to Say Instead
Offer encouragement without minimizing:
- “I know this is really tough, no matter your age.”
- “It must be hard to face this even when people expect it to be easy.”
“Congratulations!”
Why This Hurts
Congratulating someone during IVF—before a confirmed pregnancy—can feel premature and increase pressure. IVF involves multiple stages: ovarian stimulation, egg retrieval, fertilization, embryo transfer, and finally, the two-week wait for a pregnancy test. Many cycles don’t succeed on the first attempt, and congratulating too early can heighten disappointment if results are negative.
The Emotional Rollercoaster
Each IVF cycle carries hope but also uncertainty. Premature congratulations can unintentionally remind patients of what they might lose if the cycle fails. It can also make them feel obligated to share private updates.
What to Say Instead
Express support without assumption:
- “I’m keeping you in my thoughts during this process.”
- “I’m here if you ever want to talk, but I’ll wait for you to share news when you’re ready.”
“Are you sure this is what you want?”
Why This Hurts
This question undermines the patient’s decision-making. IVF is rarely a choice made lightly—it involves financial investment, medical consultations, and emotional commitment. Suggesting doubt can feel insulting, as though the patient hasn’t thought through their options.
The Weight of the Decision
Couples undergoing IVF often spend years exploring fertility treatments before reaching this step. By the time IVF is chosen, it is usually after much reflection, discussion, and professional guidance. Questioning this decision can make patients feel second-guessed during an already vulnerable time.
What to Say Instead
Show confidence in their judgment:
- “I know you’ve put a lot of thought into this.”
- “I trust your decision and admire your commitment.”
What IVF Mommas Want to Hear
After discussing what not to say, it’s equally important to highlight what to say. IVF patients don’t need pity—they need empathy, encouragement, and respect. The right words can help them feel supported and understood.
Empathy and Validation
Statements that acknowledge the difficulty of IVF can bring comfort:
- “I can’t imagine how hard this must be.”
- “You’re incredibly strong for going through this.”
Support Without Pressure
Offer help without expectations:
- “Do you want company at your next appointment?”
- “Would you like me to check in, or give you space?”
Respecting Privacy
Patients may not want to share details. Respect this boundary by saying:
- “I’ll let you update me when you’re ready.”
- “You don’t owe me updates—just know I care.”
Celebrating Strength, Not Outcomes
Focus on their resilience rather than results:
- “No matter the outcome, I admire your courage.”
- “You’re doing everything possible, and that’s inspiring.”
These affirmations remind IVF patients that they are valued not just for the potential of parenthood, but for the strength they display along the way.
Final Words
IVF is an extraordinary medical journey, but it can be emotionally taxing. Words carry weight, and even well-meaning phrases can cause pain if they minimize, pressure, or dismiss the experience. Phrases like “just relax,” “why don’t you adopt?” or “congratulations” before results are confirmed can do more harm than good.
Instead, focus on empathy, respect, and unconditional support. By listening more than speaking, by validating rather than advising, and by celebrating the strength of those undergoing IVF, we can help them feel less isolated. Parenthood—no matter how achieved—is deeply personal, and every journey deserves compassion and dignity.
References
- Illume Fertility. 11 Things to Never Say to Someone Struggling with Infertility.
blua.bupa.com.au+7Illume Fertility+7NOW-fertility+7 - The Guardian. What to Say—and What Not to Say—to Friends or Colleagues Having IVF.
PMC+10The Guardian+10SELF+10 - Orchid Health – Guides. What to Say to Someone Going Through Fertility Treatment.
Orchid Guides+1 - Self. What to Say—and What Not to Say—to Someone Going Through IVF.
SELF+2NOW-fertility+2